you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
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Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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