just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
