How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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