Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
