i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
