Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem