I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!