I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
sarcasm needs its own font
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks