Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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