So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
