Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
