All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
