I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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