I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
