I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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