he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
