You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
