so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
