Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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