it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
