There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it was like eating out sand paper
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
