90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
