You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
