im about as happy as oj after his trial
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
