I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
