Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
