I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
