The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
