No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
