If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
