i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
