I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
