Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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