The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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