Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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