Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
