Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's shark week go big or go home
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
