there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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