new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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