Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Go christen that room with your naked body.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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