Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
