you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
