I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
