Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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