I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
