I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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