I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
