I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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