And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
