i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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