I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
