your parents love me but you hate me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
