She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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