I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
