Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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