I love black thongs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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