My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i will never coherently bang her
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
