Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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