Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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